I woke up this evening. My husband turned on the TV and decided to take a nap. He left the TV tuned to the movie P.S. I Love You. The movie is kind of morbid and a bit inspirational for me all at the same time. Its about a young lady who loses her husband at a young age and her dead husband wants to help her get through her bereavement so he writes her letters and plans things for her to experience and receive after his death. This “death” is kinda what I felt when I realized I could not get pregnant like everybody else. I wish I had someone to write me a letter and as I sat here and watched this movie I realized I did have a letter writer. I am writing my own letters.
I don’t know how it would feel to be pregnant and sometimes I think I wouldn’t know what in the world I would do with a little baby. I know I would love it with every inch of everything in me but I also know that I am not pregnant and I am 40. There, I said it! I am 40 and my chances of getting pregnant are pretty slim. I am going to try one last time and then I need to move on, just like the young woman in the movie. I never allowed myself to grieve the loss of an opportunity. I lived perpetually in a fog over the last 4 years. I tried to be normal and, just, I don’t know I just lived. I loved my nieces and my nephew with so much vigor and that I will continue to do. Today, I am dealing with it. Do you ever get that feeling that everyone in the room knows that you can’t get pregnant. Sometimes I feel like people don’t know what to do when they want to announce their great news that “yippee” they are pregnant and ”oops” sorry I forgot you are not. I am finally looking in the mirror understanding that I can still be a mother even If I don’t have a baby naturally. It’s not an indictment on my womanhood and I am still going to try one last time. No-one told me how painful growing up can be. When you live in reality you have to face the truth and it really does set you free. I cried a lot throughout the movie because it felt good. I want you all to know that I pray with every bit of fervor that you have a beautiful baby. It is my cherished wish for each of you and the reality is that some of us will and some of us will not. But we will live. And how we live is up to us. God gave us a big responsibility, to live each day full of love and hope and inspiration.
It took too long for me to get to this point. I finally feel free of this heaviness and it’s so good. Today, is the first day of the rest of my life. Today, I realize that God has smiled on all of us as we travel the journey that He placed before us. It makes us stronger, more thoughtful, better. I appreciate the gift of life. I appreciate each of your for sharing your journey. Thanks so much for listening, reading and caring.